This question of the week was emailed in by one of you. She is an LDS woman, who we'll call AABJules. - Admin Here is her question:
Sometimes it seems to me that the very worst thing a Mormon (woman) can call another Mormon (woman) is “selfish.” We use this word against one another (and, of course, against ourselves) with an acutely painful precision. Don’t know how you’d ever handle 8 or 6 or 4 or 2 or any children? Clearly, you’re selfish. Don’t know if you can manage being Primary President and raising your family right now? Selfish. Feel a deep need for some activity outside of your home and/or family? Selfish. Wish your husband wasn’t gone all day on Sundays? Selfish. Want not to have to share your husband in the eternities? Selfish! The list goes on, in infinite variety and depressing familiarity.
On another LDS blog that I read, many commenters insist that really there is no reason to think about what LDS women need because LDS women should be beyond thinking about themselves and their own needs at all. I find this troubling. There is being selfless and there is being totally without regard to self. Does there appear to be a difference to any of you?
As a culture, it seems we Mormons have conflated the concepts of self-preservation and selfishness, in the pursuit of a Christ-like self-lessness. I’d like for us to discuss why we seem unable to draw lines between these concepts, or even to agree on whether or not these lines (should) exist.
As a start, why don’t we think about what selfishness really looks like. And what should selflessness look like? Are there healthy and unhealthy forms of both? Examples? How do we distinguish? What do we think about our Selves? Does it make you nervous/guilty/other to think about your Self?
To kick us off, I’ll outline a few of my own thoughts. First, I believe that it is entirely possible to be selfless in service to others without losing our Self in the shuffle. Furthermore, I believe that the Self is extremely important, and that a huge part of the reason we are here on this Earth is to explore, get to know, love, and discover what the purpose of our Self is. I believe that in many cases, discovering what we are good at and what we enjoy doing is like discovering a large sign post pointing in the direction of our life’s Purpose.
Yes, of course we are to love and serve others. However, I don’t truly think it’s possible to fully love another unless we know how to love our Selves (especially when loving entails understanding needs and the cutting of slack), and we can’t get to love our Selves until we spend a significant amount of time thinking about, spending time with, and acting to better our Selves.
But that’s enough about me….what do you think?
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3 comments:
I totally agree. There is being selfless, and there is completely ignoring your own wants and needs.
Our wants should not control our lives, but we should indulge them every now and again! It April 2008's General Conference one of the apostles (can't remember who right now, possibly Hales? maybe Holland? Can't remember) said that as woman we not only have a right but have a need to take some personal time for our own hobbies. This makes us happier and better people. When we work on our talents, we learn what we like and what we're good at. We do things that we enjoy, which make us happy as an individual, but then we can use those skills to help others and become better mothers because we know more and are more well-rounded. I firmly believe in taking personal time regularly and working on the things you enjoy. I'll be honest, I have no children yet, but I've watched my mom over the years. For a while, she rarely took time out for herself. And she was miserable. She didn't feel good about herself. Her relationship (I later learned) with my dad was at an all time low. Finally, she started to take time for herself. She went out and bought herself some new clothes (much, much needed). She started to exercise regularly. She went back to finish her degree. She realized she has an amazing talent with baking cakes. She is so much happier now, my parents are more in love than ever, and she's a better person now, too.
I think we're afraid to admit it at Church though because we think our lives should center around our families. And let's be honest, mormon women put a lot of pressure on each other to be perfect. (I tried to explain this to an ex-boyfriend once who was completely lost. He didn't believe me that Mormon woman feel a need to be perfect, or at least appear that way to their wards.). Sad, but true.
I completely agree. The first thing I thought about was the talk you mentioned and it was Elder Holland. He talked about how women are so hard on themselves. We are our worst critic. However I have to admit that I am never happier than when I am doing something for someone else.It's funny how that can lift your spirits faster than anything. But if your resevior is empty then you will have nothing to give. Back to the original post. I do not believe it is selfish in the least to take care of yourself even if others have to wait for what they need now and then. The outline part of the op put it perfectly. I don't think I could even begin to put it better than that!
This really is a problem. It actually makes me think of President Benson's Beware of Pride talk. It's easy to find fault with other, but hard to see it in ourselves. For me, I have a harder time when LDS men call LDS women selfish.
For example, on another board I participate in, there was a discussion about a women keeping her maiden name after marriage. There are a variety of reasons one might choose to do so, but for many of the men there, it boiled down to one thing: the woman being selfish. And prideful.
Who is anyone else to judge me? Who am I to judge someone else? Have I been in their situation? Have they been in mine? Sympathy and empathy are more appropriate behaviors than attacking, accusing, backbiting, and gossiping.
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